Monday, December 31, 2007
Teacher: How did you come up with that answer?
Johnny: Well the noise from the gun would have scared away the other 2 crows.
Teacher: The correct answer is two, But I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny: I got one for you. There are three women sitting on a park bench, they all have lollipops, one is licking her lollipop, one is biting her lollipop and one is sucking her lollipop, which one is married? (Teacher is young and only been married a year)
Teacher: ( Blushing)The one thats Sucking her lollipop.
Johnny: Nah. It would be the one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Sunday, December 30, 2007
A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
(Women are so much smarter than men!)
Saturday, December 29, 2007
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to
find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!)
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney almost fainted.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!
The robbery begins.
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffy.
Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes ... Two minutes pass ... Seven minutes pass ... and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the armed security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says to Buffy, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffy said, "I did ... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said TIE UP the guard and BLOW the safe!"
Friday, December 28, 2007
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my breasts!"
She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."
The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband,I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."
Thursday, December 27, 2007
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
Then the boy asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" His mother replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Husband: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Husband: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, "but you're a veterinarian."
The wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
Mum replies: "Yes dear"
"We learned how to do the alphabet today Mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
Mum replies: "Yes dear"
"We learned about breasts today Mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her underwear and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, I can't get into your underwear." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm .
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane .
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wife : "Adrian ! But he is your enemy ! You never liked him"
Simon : " Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub."
The teacher was confused to hear that and said "Interesting - well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok john. Yes next"
Second boy : "My name is Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"
Teacher said " Good.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . Next"
Third boy : I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"
Teacher : "Class are you joking or what ? Please be sincere. Ok next "
This continues, and the last boy stands up: I’m Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub "
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you boys for long. Any way, now the girls please"
First girl : I’m July and my hobby is to see birds"
Teacher : "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next"
Second: I’m ruby and I like to collect perfumes"
Teacher: "Now its like educated grown up girls. Good. Ok next - you sweet girl"
The most beautiful girl in the class stands up: "My name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a bath three times a day" !!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins. John prays again, "Almighty, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well if I do not win some money fast".
Lottery night comes and John still has no luck. He again prays, "My Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. If I don't win the lottery this time, my wife and my children are going to desert me."
Suddenly, there is a flash of light and the sky parts open. John hears the God shout, "You idiot, buy the damn ticket first."
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Monday, December 17, 2007
'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks.
'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' ! huffs the woman.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
2 Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3 When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4 You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5 It is frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6 Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7 Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Friday, December 14, 2007
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
After some really passionate embracing, he said,"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "Never objected!"
Thursday, December 13, 2007
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
"Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?"
"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"
"I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven."
"Do you sleep on your stomach ...........can I?"
"I know they say milk does a body good but damn, how much have you been drinking?"
"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together"
"HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?"
"That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my bedroom floor!"
"Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?"
"If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!"
"Your father must have been a thief... he took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."
"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."
"Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?"
"Baby, somebody better call Heaven , because they’re missing an angel!"
"Why don`t you come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that pops up."
"Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day."
"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"
"Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?"
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
"Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late ?" Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute ! You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that’s true ! I’m superstitious.
If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she’s lying on her back?" George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.
"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.
"Very angry," she answered.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was outside, looking through the window at us."
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Monday, December 10, 2007
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
" NO kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
I was born intelligent education ruined me.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Practice makes perfect...
But nobody's perfect...
so why practice?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Shower with your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow when you can put off today.
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep!
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning
"Hard work never kill anybody"
But why take the risk!
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company,
three's the result!
A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So… why learn?!?
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies, "Yes."
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
I've some doubts.. Can you please clarify ...
2. I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
3. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
4. I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
5. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
6. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
7. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A primary school class was asked to tell a story with a moral. Kathy went first, “Once we were driving a basket of hen eggs to market and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs broke. The moral is don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
“What is moral of that terrible story?” the teacher asked horrified.
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
At the airport Pamela was anxiously waiting for her daughter. After finishing university, Laura had been gone a year, adventuring in faraway places. Pamela heart raced when she saw her child leaving the plane.
The she noticed a tall man directly behind Laura, dressed in feathers and beads, with exotic markings all over his body. Laura greeted her mother and introduced the man as her husband.
Pamela felt faint, then yelled, ‘I said you should marry a rich doctor!”
Monday, December 3, 2007
“Just a minute, I have to go piss.”
The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Sam, how would you say it?”
“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”
Sunday, December 2, 2007
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
A. Try a book store ... under fiction!
Q. What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.
Q. How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?
A. Tell him you're pregnant!
Q. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?
A. Valets remember where they parked your car!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your
responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy!
Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten b***h," she screams.
"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked
scaring the kids!!"
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
“What’s the matter with you? Asked the husband after the sailor came back down. “we weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor, “from up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
“By golly, he’s right,” said the husband. “it does look like they’re making love down there.”
Monday, November 26, 2007
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M. for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 A.M." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and confront his wife, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 A.M. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Sunday, November 25, 2007
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Saturday, November 24, 2007
The applicant hesitates, then asks, “Could you let me see a photo of your wife?”
Friday, November 23, 2007
“What do you mean get it in?” screeched the chap on the inside. I thought we were trying to get it out.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV,
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
“Well, what could you tell me about me?”, he asked.
“You put three pennies in a neat row,” said the waitress, and that shows you’re a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you’re frugal, and the second tells me you’re a bachelor.”
“That’s true,” he agreed. But what does the third penny tell you?’
“The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too.”
Monday, November 19, 2007
“I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff,” he said to his friend.
“It’s not a big deal,” the guy said. “It’s just a earring.”
“How long have you been wearing it?
“Since my wife found it in may car last week.”
Sunday, November 18, 2007
“Great,” replied the boy. And Daddy liked it too, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to one.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
“But why would that depress you?” asks the confused barman.
“Well, the man replies, “I haven’t been invited.”
“Son” his father asked, what made the difference? The nuns? The textbooks?”
“I’d never taken maths seriously before,” the boy admitted, but when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!”
Friday, November 16, 2007
requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who
can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company.
"How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"
"I could not swim," my cousin replied.
He got the job.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
“Fine” said the minister. But would you tell me what I said that changed your mind?”
“Well,” explained the man, “ when you got to the part about “Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my hat.”
The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to connect him. Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young student confidently, “means carrying a child.”
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just 'an old rag'.
6. Although their clothes are always 'just an old rag', they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do,they don't believe you.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Don’t worry, Leave it to me.”
“Well,” answered the man, “I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I like to leave something to my children too.”
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
“To my wife, I leave all my money and my house,” the lawyer read. To my sons, I leave the new cars.
And to my brother-in-law who kept saying ‘health is better than wealth,’ I leave my exercise bicycle.
Monday, November 12, 2007
When the man’s wife joined her husband, they walked to a café, where they met the same lady of the night again. She looked the wife over, then turned to the man with a shrug. “You see,” she said, “that is what you get for fifty dollars”.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good..!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Bahamas. But alas, when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Seeing an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson, the mother said, If Jesus was sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Quick as a flash, Daniel turned to his younger brother and said, Robert, you can be Jesus."
"What's bothering you this week?" asked the counselor.
"Well," answered the husband, "my wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda. And she wants to go with me!"
Friday, November 9, 2007
He gave her that ‘who-the-heck-are-you look’, and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
“Look,” she said, “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”
Then he got a little panicky.”I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father a child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild, crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”
“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.
“I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50,” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Monday, November 5, 2007
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” ..and she said, “Wear sun-block!
The 90 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
Soooo, on the way home, the 83 year old stopped at the bakery. “Do you have any Italian bread?” he asked.
“Yes, how many loaves would you like?” the clerk replied.
He answered, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness! Five loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’s going to be REALLY hard!”
He replied, “I cant believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me!”
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I love Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a gay.”
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."