Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Test For Monks

The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptation.

He called three of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their penis.

After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl.

"Gling Gling", went the bell, and the head of the monastery was furious: "You call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!".

He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie.

"Gling Gling", went the bell.

"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!".

Almost in complete dispair, he went to the third guy and showed him a cover of a porn magazine. There was silent.

"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him.

"Gling Gling", went the bell.

Doctor's Advice

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Old Girlfriend

A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’re past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in her hand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and she’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’t have???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”

Sunday, November 13, 2011

An Important Phone Call

A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, “Eight hundred thousand dollars? You’re kidding me. You’re going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don’t waste my time with anything less.”

Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”

“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Pregnant At The Doctor

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked

that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He decides to give each woman a present of $5,000, then waits to see what each one does with the money.

The first woman does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets here done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she as done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed. He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Funiture Business

A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Settle Out Of Court

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at
a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.

Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the
seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts
banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there
with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!

The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"

The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,

"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

Size Matters

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,
"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your
body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera
and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your
picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she
says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see
your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sleeping With The Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and
ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the
drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second
triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked
him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight
in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her
stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the
eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"

She Was Soooooo Blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm Just Here For ...

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.

The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.

The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen.... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.

Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"

Egg And Boiling Water

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

Friday, October 14, 2011

Alcohol Is Bad For Legs

A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?"
She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
She said, "No, they open!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Speaking Of Love

A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"

Heart Of A 15 Year Old

Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old."

Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex!"

Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then... maybe."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office.

His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name?"

"Uh ... Doc, just make it, 'To Whom It May Concern'."

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Secret To A Long Marriage

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: "Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"
"I just go and clean the toilet," his wife replied.
"How does that help?" asked her husband.
"I use your toothbrush."

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Her Sexual Problem

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.
"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.
"Very angry," she answered.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was outside, looking through the window at us.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Missing Wash Cloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, “It’s my wash cloth.”

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, “What happened to your wash cloth?”

The mother responded, “I lost it.”

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, “I found your washcloth.”

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, “Where did you find it?”

The boy answered, “The maid has it! She is washing daddy’s face with it.”

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Catalogue

Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
Paddy says to Mick, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
"Yes," Mick replies, "they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Paddy says with wide eyes, "Wow! They aren't very expensive! At this price, I'm buying one."
Mike smiles and pats him on the back.
"Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one, too."
Three weeks later, Mick asks Paddy, " Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?"
"Not yet," says Paddy, "but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday."

Monday, March 28, 2011

Singing In The Shower

A sex therapist was having lunch with Mick.
"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.
"Really?" asked Mick.
The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"
Mick shook his head, "No."
"I thought you wouldn't!" said the therapist.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Real Men Eat Quickies

A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.

"What would you like, sir?" she asks.

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."

She walks away in disgust.

After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."

Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.

At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Thursday, March 17, 2011


"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"
"I'm waiting," said Paddy.

"Waiting for what, Paddy?"

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How did the human race come about?

A little girl asked her father, “How did the human race come about?” The father answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.”

Two days later she asks her mother the same question. The mother answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returns to her father and says:”Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mama says we developed from monkeys?”

The father answers: “Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.”

Sunday, March 13, 2011

After a long night of making love..

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

‘Is this your husband?’ he inquired nervously.

‘No, silly,’ she replied, snuggling up to him.

‘Your boyfriend then?’ he asked.

‘No, not at all,’ she said, nibbling away at his ear.

‘Well, who is he then?’ demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, ‘That’s me before the operation.’

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Asian Predicament

A Cambodian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Chinese, a Burmese, a Philippine, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, and an Indonesian walked into a bar; but the bartender stopped them.

"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sex After Surgery?

A surgeon went to check on his patient, an attractive blonde, after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again, doctor?", she asked.

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young woman.

"What's the matter, doctor?" she asked. "I will be alright?"

"Yes," replied the doctor, "you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."


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