Forgot Something?

A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?"

"Sure, honey," his wife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?" "Sure, honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"

"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas." "No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."

Pregnant At The Doctor

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked

that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Speaking Of Love

A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"

Her Sexual Problem

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.
"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.
"Very angry," she answered.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was outside, looking through the window at us."

A Missing Person

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

I Want To Kill My Husband

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Looking Good

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Marriage Lessons

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Russian Who Don't Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)






What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

A Different Kind Of Movie

A man and a woman were getting ready to leave for work one morning when the woman said, "Honey, I've got an idea. tonight, let's make love the way they do in the movies."

With a big grin he said, "Great, I'll see you later."

When he got home, dinner was waiting, the lights were dimmed and his girlfriend was wearing just a negligee. After the chocolate covered strawberries, they retired to the bedroom, which was softly lighted by candles.

As she welcomed him into her arms, he flipped her over and took her anally. Just before he was finished, he turned her over again and shot his load onto her face and hair.

"Eeew", she yelled, "that wasn't romantic!"

He said, "I guess we watch different kinds of movies."

Sleeping Around

A good husband was asked: Do you sleep with other women?

He replied: I only sleep with my wife, with other women, I'm awake all the time.

Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We discovered that, when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. And when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the putz will buy me a diamond.

A Testing Question

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

Exercise Good For You

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Housework Challenged

One day a husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Auburn."

Perfect Sermon

A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"

Say What?

Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love- making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, "Oh, no! Get moving. That's my husband!"

The man leaped from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped.

"Waddaya mean?" he bellowed. "I AM your husband!"