Murphy's Laws Of Computing

- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

- When the going gets tough, upgrade.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

- The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Ten Commandments For Stress Free Programming

1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs. Bugs in your software are actually special features.

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions. Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

3. Thou shalt not handle errors. Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

4. Thou shalt not restrict users. Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

5. Thou shalt not optimize. Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.

6.Thou shalt not provide help. If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.

7. Thou shalt not document. Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.

8. Thou shalt not hurry. Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

9. Thou shalt not revise. Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.

10. Thou shalt not share. If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

I.T. Help Desk Log

1. Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Female customer: "A white one... "

2. "Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out."
Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry."

3. Helpdesk: "Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"

4. "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..."

Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

Tech Support Story

Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
• Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
• Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.