Sleeping With The Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and

ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the

drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and

found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second

triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the

house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked

him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight

in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her

stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your

friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the

eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"

The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!"

The Madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, "I'm not horny . . . . I'm homesick."

Extra Cash

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

Paradise Lost

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."

Frying Eggs

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling...

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife was very upset, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

Car Problem

A man's wife came home and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
He asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburetor. Her husband thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No," she insisted, "there's definitely water in the carburetor."
"Okay, honey, that's fine," he said. "I'll go take a look... where is it?"
"In the lake," she replied.

If I Die

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you re-married," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Burglary Lessons

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man.

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Sad Man

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Crutches?

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
However, after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

Diamonds

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Under The Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh no, My husband just walked in the door."

Laryngitis

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed – and there his wife lies in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”

- HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.

- HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.

- HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.

- HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.

- HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”

The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

News Flash

NEWS FLASH: Friday evening. A notorious murderer has just escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago'."

A Good Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Cure For Hiccups

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

What Not To Say

Wife: "Let's go out tonight and have some fun."

Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on for me!"

Running Off With State Trooper

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Tea and Sympathy

There was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."