Alcohol Is Bad For Legs

A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."

He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

She said, "No, they open!"

Her Sexual Problem

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.
"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.
"Very angry," she answered.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was outside, looking through the window at us.

Saving Up for 60 Years

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Late for Work

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Talk Too Much

Eight year old Sally brought her report card from school…

Her marks were good! Mostly A’s and a couple of B’s…

However her teacher had written at the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in the school. I have an idea I’m going to try which I think may break her of the habit…”

Sally’s dad signed her report card leaving a note at the back.

“Please let me know if that idea works on Sally because I would like to try it on her mother…”

The Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Fight Like a Man

Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, “I have my wife so under my thumb that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.”

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,”Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!'”

Contacts

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Wrong Fantasy

Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!

Women And Multi-tasking

Thoughts for the Day

1. If women are so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

2. Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old -- as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

3. Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.

4. It's scary when you make the same noises as your coffeemaker.

5. I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

Terrible Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

Training Courses Just For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game.

5. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

6. Introduction to Parking.

7. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

8. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

9. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.

10. PMS: Your Problem ... Not His.