Monday, April 14, 2014

Can't Deposit

A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please."

The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle.

Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- NONE OF US CAN GET THE TOP OFF THAT BOTTLE!"

Sunday, March 24, 2013

You Are The one

I got home from work last night and said to my wife, "You are a one"

She said "What do you mean, I am a one?"

I said, "If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one".

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Forgot Something?

A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?"

"Sure, honey," his wife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?" "Sure, honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"

"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas." "No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Same Name

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Wrong Way

A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.

It was her husband warning her: "Darling", he said, "I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!"

"Its not just one car", cried the blonde, "There's f#cking
hundreds of them!"

Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Art Thief

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre museum. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Friday, December 7, 2012

A Trip To The Racetrack

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Friday, November 30, 2012

Wrong Train

A businessman was travelling overnight on a train to Paddington for a very important meeting. He told the conductor, "I am getting off in Padding for a meeting of such importance that I would not want to miss for the world. I would therefore appreciate it if you could wake me up at my destination at whatever costs... throw me off the train if need be."

In the morning the businessman woke up starled to find that he had overslept and missed his stop. Pulling the stunned conductor by the collar, he expressed in no uncertain terms his disappointment.

"Easy, easy on me, dear Sir," pleaded the conductor, "I understand how you feel but the fellow I threw out in Paddington must have felt even worse."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Not An Enemy In The World

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

Where Were You Last Night

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."


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