Monday, March 30, 2009

Fined For Contempt

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Her 40th Birthday

A middle-aged man took his wife out for her 40th birthday.
"What would you like for your birthday? A new car? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" he asked.
"I want a divorce," she replied coldly.
"I wasn't planning to spend that much!" he quickly responded.

Poems About The Mrs

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

5. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes...
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Wrong Place

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Reflections On Life

1. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly, you're in bed with a relative.

2. Why is it we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

3. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

4. I saw a young woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "implants?" She hit me.

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail; but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn ... That was fun!"

Higher Prices

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for some. "Sorry love", said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday".

So she goes on up the street to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them in stock.

"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".

"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"

Monday, March 9, 2009

Hunting For Church

A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Preacher and Cab Driver

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Devil And The Salesman

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Say What?

Women And Multi-tasking

Thoughts for the Day

1. If women are so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

2. Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old -- as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

3. Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.

4. It's scary when you make the same noises as your coffeemaker.

5. I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

At The Pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible of the girls must be dyin'."

Rugby Friends

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed. "Mike , you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike ... Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike suddenly sitting up. "Who is it?"
"Mike ... it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died," says Mike.
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike .

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike . "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're on the team for Tuesday's match!"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Something Else To Eat

A cannibal father and son went hunting. Deep in the jungle, they hid beside a trail. Soon, a little old man walked by. The son whispered, "Dad! There's one. Let's get him!"
"No," said his father. "Not enough meat. We wait."
Later, a fat man came along. "Dad! He's huge. Let's get him!"
"No," his father said. "We'd all have heart attacks from all the fat in him. We wait."
Hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman approached.
"Dad! There's nothing wrong with that one. Let's eat her."
"No," said his father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?"
"We'll take her home alive and eat your mother!"

Sunday, March 1, 2009

And Then The Fight Started ...

1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
"What's on TV?" she asked.
"Dust," I said ...
And then the fight started.

2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her bathroom scales...
And then the fight started...

3. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" ...
And then the fight started....


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