Sunday, August 30, 2009

Unlocking The Door

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The man says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.” Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?”

The man answered, “Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”

Saturday, August 29, 2009

You might be an Accountant if...

- you refer to your child as Deduction 214.

- you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

- you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

- at the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation.

- getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

- your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

- you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.

- you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

Having An Affair

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Books For College

A blonde student was in his the college campus bookstore.

Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you."

"Good," the blonde replied, "I'll take two."

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Mother at 65!

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Missing Person

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Car Problem

A man's wife came home and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
He asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburetor. Her husband thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No," she insisted, "there's definitely water in the carburetor."
"Okay, honey, that's fine," he said. "I'll go take a look... where is it?"
"In the lake," she replied.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Postman Retiring

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepaired an exquisite dinner for him.

He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."

Parachute Jumping

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Wedding Night

A married couple is about to have sex for the first time on their wedding night.
They start to undress, and the husband removes his shoes. The wife notices something frightful about his feet. "Oh my goodness! What happened to your toes?" she exclaimed.
"I have tolio," he said.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"Well," the husband explained, "it's kind of like polio except it only affects your toes."
The husband then removes his pants.
"Oh my gosh!" the wife exclaimed again. "What happened to your knees?"
"I have kneesles," replied the husband. "It's kind of like measles except it only affects your knees."
The husband finally takes off his underwear.
The wife says, "Wait, let me guess - smallcox."

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Gift

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift, so he stopped at a department store on his way home.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Hen Thief

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Sin Of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Late for Work

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Am Starving

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "it's really taken the edge off my appetite...!"

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, again she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me now? I'm starving!"

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Special Sauce

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand

job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

“Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

“Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

Saturday, August 8, 2009

CEO's Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for".

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Russian Roulette

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "The African calmly answers...."One of them is a cannibal."

Nice House

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

'Listen,' says the Doc, 'I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.'

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. 'Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!'

'Well,' says the physician, 'I'm glad I could help.'

'By the way, Doc,' the patient adds, 'You have a REALLY nice house.'

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Good Night's Rest

By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where, I'm too exhausted to go any farther."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost but, to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it's worth it to you."
"No problem," Chuck assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning Chuck came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better," said Chuck. "Thanks for helping me out."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time," Chuck replied.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Chuck explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' He sat up all night watching me sleep."


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