The Art Thief

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre museum. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A Trip To The Racetrack

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Wrong Train

A businessman was travelling overnight on a train to Paddington for a very important meeting. He told the conductor, "I am getting off in Padding for a meeting of such importance that I would not want to miss for the world. I would therefore appreciate it if you could wake me up at my destination at whatever costs... throw me off the train if need be."

In the morning the businessman woke up starled to find that he had overslept and missed his stop. Pulling the stunned conductor by the collar, he expressed in no uncertain terms his disappointment.

"Easy, easy on me, dear Sir," pleaded the conductor, "I understand how you feel but the fellow I threw out in Paddington must have felt even worse."

Not An Enemy In The World

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."
    

Where Were You Last Night

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

Using The Right Line

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. 

I had grabbed a woman's card when I called a cab to take me from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call." 

"Hello?" the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.

"Hi," I began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream - anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she said, "but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Being Brave

A couple walked into a dentist's office. 

The man told the dentist, "Can you pull a tooth quickly? I'm really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic to take effect." 

The dentist thought, "This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic." 

The dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" 

The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him your tooth!" 

Asking For A Raise

An employee sent her boss an email asking for a raise:

"Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, you $hould under$tand of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given you $o much $upport. I'm $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
$incerely your$,
$u$ie."

Her boss immediately hit Reply and typed:

"Dear Susie:
I kNOw you work very hard, but you must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well NOw the papers say the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if we're headed for aNOther recession. And, after the NOvember elections, things may turn worse.. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
NOrm"