Same Name

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Let Grandma Do What She Wants

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Understanding Russian

A couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

Moral Of The Story

A primary school class was asked to tell a story with a moral. Kathy went first, “Once we were driving a basket of hen eggs to market and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs broke. The moral is don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Tammy was next. “Once, we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched, we got only ten chicks. The moral is don’t count your chickens before they hatched.”

Then it was Johnny’s turn. When my Aunt Karen was in Desert Storm, her plane was hit. She bailed out over enemy territory with only a bottle of whisky and a machine gun.

“She drank the liquor on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and landed in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. She killed with the machine gun, and when she ran out of bullets, she killed 70 with the machine gun, and when she ran out of bullets, she killed the rest with her bare hands.”

“What is moral of that terrible story?” the teacher asked horrified.

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

Which Kind Of Doctor?

At the airport Pamela was anxiously waiting for her daughter. After finishing university, Laura had been gone a year, adventuring in faraway places. Pamela heart raced when she saw her child leaving the plane.

The she noticed a tall man directly behind Laura, dressed in feathers and beads, with exotic markings all over his body. Laura greeted her mother and introduced the man as her husband.

Pamela felt faint, then yelled, ‘I said you should marry a rich doctor!”

The Broken Doll

Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

Reading Of The Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

“Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”

How Was The Zoo?

Little Billy pestered his reluctant father into taking him to the zoo. “So how was it?” asked his mother when the two of them returned home.

“Great,” replied the boy. And Daddy liked it too, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to one.

Raising Children

"Mommy has no idea how to raise children," said the child to his father.
"How can you say such a thing?" replied the father.
"Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am."

The difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I love Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a gay.”