Thursday, October 27, 2011

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He decides to give each woman a present of $5,000, then waits to see what each one does with the money.

The first woman does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets here done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she as done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed. He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Funiture Business

A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Settle Out Of Court

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at
a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.

Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the
seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts
banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there
with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!

The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"

The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,

"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

Size Matters

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,
"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your
body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera
and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your
picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she
says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see
your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sleeping With The Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and
ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the
drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second
triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked
him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight
in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her
stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the
eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"

She Was Soooooo Blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm Just Here For ...

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.

The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.

The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen.... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.

Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"

Egg And Boiling Water

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

Friday, October 14, 2011

Alcohol Is Bad For Legs

A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?"
She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
She said, "No, they open!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Speaking Of Love

A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"

Heart Of A 15 Year Old

Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old."

Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex!"

Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then... maybe."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office.

His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name?"

"Uh ... Doc, just make it, 'To Whom It May Concern'."


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