Thursday, January 31, 2008

Magician And The Parrot

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"All right I give up..." chirped the parrot, ". What have you done with the ship?"

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Lawyer Helps Homeless

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Brave Man At The Dentist

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Friday, January 25, 2008

Who Is A Scaredy-Cat?

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

"Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"

Seldom In Church

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Go Slow

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Dog In A Hotel

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Golden Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."


"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

Unjust Criticism

Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

No Swimming

Who's Really The Boss?

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Monday, January 21, 2008

Appearing Out Of Nowhere

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"


"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Why Are There 12?

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.

The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Bush's Favor

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."

Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."

The man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

What Causes Arthritis?

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

Vacuum Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room
and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?" "We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Fast Or Slow?

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Nice Guy

Going Deaf

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".

The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Old Lady And The Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

Good Lawyer

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Dress to Please Men

A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at exclusive women's intimate and lingerie store and dragged her husband along.

While wife was moving in various areas of store looking, husband was standing at one display stand, pretending to look at merchandise. He was feeling uncomfortable and out of place.

Suddenly a beautiful sales girl pops up from behind, and asked him, "Sir, may I help you find something?"

The husband got flirtatious and invited conversation, "Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a modest voice the playful girl replied, "All of these clothes are for you men, sir."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Nice Toilet

The Beautiful Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. He agrees.

They had a wonderful, wild time having hot, passionate sex, talking, having hot, passionate sex, talking some more, and having hot, passionate sex. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been sooo incredible!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, " she replies. ..... "You just happened to catch my eye."

Waiting For The Bank Teller

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Doing Nothing

An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.

Larry handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Larry!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Lost Diamond Ring

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a street light.

He asks "Can I help you?"

"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." replied the woman.

"Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.

"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tips From The Burglar

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

Nun And The Bus Driver

A nun climbs onto a bus. There's nobody else on the bus. The nun starts talking to the bus driver about her life and where she is going with her life. After awhile, the nun tells the bus driver that she is not sure about the direction of her life and that just once she would really like to have sex with a man. "I think that God has given me a sign and that man is you, Mister Bus Driver."

After discussing this for awhile, the bus driver stops the bus in a dark alley and they immediately start kissing, but, the nun stops and asks, "You're not married are you? I don't want to commit adultery." The bus driver looks around and says, "No, no, I'm not married." So he starts taking off her clothes and she stops him again and says, "Well, I would like to remain a virgin and I heard going in the rear is the same... Is that okay with you?" The bus driver tells the lady, "Sure Sister!" and goes for it.

After they are done, the bus driver begins to feel guilty and tells the nun that he has a confession to make, "Sister, I have to confess that I am married and have two kids." The nun looks at the bus driver and says, "I have a confession to make name is really Bruce and I'm going to a costume party."

Fly In A Soup

Three men walk into a restaurant: an American, an Englishman, and a Scotsman. They each order a bowl of soup, and when the waiter brings their orders, each discovers a fly in his soup.

The American is typically rude, yelling out the fact he has a fly in his soup and generally causing a scene.

The Englishman very subtly dips the fly out and hides it under his napkin so as to be polite and proper.

The Scot reaches down into the soup, grabs the fly around its little fly neck, and in a thick Scottish accent says, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”

Monday, January 14, 2008

Peanuts In A Jar

A pastor was making his routine visit to a local nursing home and went into the room of an elderly woman named Ida, whom he’d become friends with. As he was sitting there talking with Ida and hearing his stomach growl, he noticed a jar of peanuts on her dresser.

Pointing to the jar he asked, “Ida, do you mind?”. “Not at all”, said Ida.

After several minutes of discussion and prayer, the pastor stood up to leave and realized he had emptied the jar.

“Ida, I’m afraid I’ve eaten all your peanuts while we were talking”, said the pastor.

“That’s ok”, said Ida, “With my false teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them and put them back in the jar!”

A Million Years

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to Him. God replied, “A million years to Me is just like a single second to you.”

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him. God replied, “A million dollars to Me is just like a single penny to you.”

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, “God, could I have one of your pennies?”

God smiled and replied, “Certainly - just a second!”

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Blonde License

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?

Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.

Where Gold Is Buried

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

Monday, January 7, 2008

Because Of My Wife

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman! What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: " A billionaire."

Married Life

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet...

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Smart Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

"It doesn't have ny feet or legs!" the guy says aloud. "What happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies, "you actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot replies, "this is very embarrassing but, since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hoo. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow!" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?!"

"Actually," answers the parrot, "I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor; he's interesting; he's a great pal; he understands everything; he sympathizes and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssst!" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are talking about?" asks the guy.

"Well," replied the parrot, "when the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT!???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happend?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty," reported the parrot.

"Oh no!" the man exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down ..."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

At The Doctor's Office

A young, very attractive redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

"You're not really a redhead, are you?" says the doctor.

"No," she admits. "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," said the doctor.

"But how did you know?" asks the woman.

"Your finger is broken," says the doctor.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Bald Joke

Bald man: Why do you always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!

Barber : No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! We charge for having to search for it!

Tax Season

The Tax day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

Friday, January 4, 2008

Fool The Police

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I'll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"

A Blonde Pilot

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Doggie Position

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family; so, call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money; so, we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs; so, we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Same Age As Father

Man : How old is your father ?

Boy : As old as me

Man : How can that be ?

Boy : He became a father only when I was born

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

How To Spot A Rich Guy

Don’t Put In The Mouth

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

A boy says 'It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.'

The teacher says 'that is correct, but why?'

The boy answers 'I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad 'turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Easy To Blackmail

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, 'I know the whole truth'. The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, 'I know the whole truth.'
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.' The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.' The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your FATHER a big hug.'

Answering Questions

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I' m a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions !

The Sex Frog

A beautiful, well-endowed, young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. She spots a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs...Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions carefully:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed.

Following the instructions exactly, she quickly gets into bed with the frog. Nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

She calls and is told by the salesman, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes he is ringing her doorbell and is welcomed in.

"See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there," she tells him.

He picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says, "Listen to me, froggy. I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"


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