I Like The Way You Think

Teacher: Three crows are sitting on a fence rail, The farmer shoots one, how many are left?

Johnny: None

Teacher: How did you come up with that answer?

Johnny: Well the noise from the gun would have scared away the other 2 crows.

Teacher: The correct answer is two, But I like the way you're thinking.

Johnny: I got one for you. There are three women sitting on a park bench, they all have lollipops, one is licking her lollipop, one is biting her lollipop and one is sucking her lollipop, which one is married? (Teacher is young and only been married a year)

Teacher: ( Blushing)The one thats Sucking her lollipop.

Johnny: Nah. It would be the one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking.

Wisdom of Age

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Merry Christmas

Is that Your Father?

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Women Are Smarter

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

(Women are so much smarter than men!)

Great Expectations

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to
find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!)

Don't Mess With An Old Woman

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Ask Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost fainted.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!

Blonde Bank Robbery

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery begins.

Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffy.

Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes ... Two minutes pass ... Seven minutes pass ... and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the armed security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says to Buffy, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffy said, "I did ... I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said TIE UP the guard and BLOW the safe!"

You Can Spit But Not Too Loud

Working Late

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my breasts!"

Looking For Jewelery

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."

The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband,I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."

Let Grandma Do What She Wants

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Curious Child

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" His mother explained, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then the boy asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" His mother replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Photo In The Wallet

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Husband: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the
problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Husband: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Expiration Date

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Guilty Conscience

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievous side.

While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, "but you're a veterinarian."

The Late Night Phone Call

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"

And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Is It Because I'm Blonde?

Day 1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
Mum replies: "Yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today Mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
Mum replies: "Yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today Mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

Who Wears The Pants?

A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her underwear and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, I can't get into your underwear." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

Two Old Ladies

Words Of Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm .

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane .

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Let Someone Else Suffer

From his death bed, Simon called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Adrian."

Wife : "Adrian ! But he is your enemy ! You never liked him"

Simon : " Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Starting Later

Boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you eight bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour.

So when would you like to start?"
The employee replied, "In 3 months."

Seeing Bubbles

A new teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name, and hobby. She said "Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving your introduction.

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub."

The teacher was confused to hear that and said "Interesting - well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok john. Yes next"

Second boy : "My name is Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

Teacher said " Good.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . Next"

Third boy : I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

Teacher : "Class are you joking or what ? Please be sincere. Ok next "

This continues, and the last boy stands up: I’m Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub "

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you boys for long. Any way, now the girls please"

First girl : I’m July and my hobby is to see birds"

Teacher : "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next"

Second: I’m ruby and I like to collect perfumes"

Teacher: "Now its like educated grown up girls. Good. Ok next - you sweet girl"

The most beautiful girl in the class stands up: "My name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a bath three times a day" !!!

Giving Up The Seat

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Winning The Lottery

John’s business goes bust and he is facing a financial crisis. Desperate, he tries to seek solace in God. He begins to pray, "Oh Lord, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money fast, I'm going to lose my house as well, please make me win the lottery".

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins. John prays again, "Almighty, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well if I do not win some money fast".

Lottery night comes and John still has no luck. He again prays, "My Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. If I don't win the lottery this time, my wife and my children are going to desert me."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and the sky parts open. John hears the God shout, "You idiot, buy the damn ticket first."

Which Way To Go?

A Nice Boy?

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Same As Yesterday

Customer : Waiter, can you get me some undercooked potatoes, some cold beans and a cold fried egg covered in fat?

Waiter : I’m sorry, sir, but we couldn’t give you anything like that.

Customer : Why not? That’s what you gave me yesterday.

Who Discovered America?

Teacher : Willie, go to the map and find North America.

Willie : Here it is!

Teacher : Correct, who discovered America?

Class : Willie

A Midget And A Secretary

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department.

'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks.

'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' ! huffs the woman.

Email Error

A man was on a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Great Truths About Growing Old

1 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2 Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3 When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4 You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5 It is frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6 Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7 Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

What Kind Of School Is This?

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2. Wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Late For School

Teacher : Why are you late?

Henry : Because of the sign.

Teacher : What sign?

Henry : The one that says “School Ahead, Go Slow"

Small Load

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Some People Would Do Anything

Blind Date

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.

After some really passionate embracing, he said,"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "Never objected!"

More Soap Please

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Bad Pick-Up Lines

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers."

"Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?"

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven."

"Do you sleep on your stomach ...........can I?"

"I know they say milk does a body good but damn, how much have you been drinking?"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together"

"HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?"

"That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my bedroom floor!"

"Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?"

"If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!"

"Your father must have been a thief... he took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."

"Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?"

"Baby, somebody better call Heaven , because they’re missing an angel!"

"Why don`t you come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that pops up."

"Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day."

"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"

"Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?"

10 Minutes late

One of the regular foursome golf partner was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

"Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late ?" Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute ! You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that’s true ! I’m superstitious.

If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she’s lying on her back?" George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

The 10 Facts About Marriage

Fact 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Fact 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Fact 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Fact 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Fact 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Fact 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Fact 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Fact 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Fact 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Fact 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Missing Something

If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.

If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

Never Get Stolen

Lawyers And The Truth

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

Sexual Problem

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.

"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.

"Very angry," she answered.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was outside, looking through the window at us."

Medical Term

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Granting Three Wishes

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

" NO kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Points To Ponder

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent education ruined me.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Practice makes perfect...
But nobody's perfect...
so why practice?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Save water.
Shower with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow when you can put off today.

Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep!

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

"Hard work never kill anybody"
But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company,
three's the result!

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So… why learn?!?

Careful Where You Shoot

A very risky job, holding up the target practise.

Best And Worst News

What is a best and worst news you can hear at the same time ?

It is when your girlfriend says you are the best kisser among all your friends.

Importance Of Period

Teacher: Do you the know the importance of period?

Student: Yes, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack and our driver ran away.

Definition Of Mistress

What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

Lose Your Friends

A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends ".

Big Chairs

Some People likes everything to be BIG!

Lost Wives

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine . Lets find yours!!

You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

Understanding Russian

A couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

Stress, Tension And Panic

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Two Coats

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

Can You Please Clarify

I've some doubts.. Can you please clarify ...

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

4. Can you cry under water?

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

7. Do fish ever get thirsty?

8. Can you get cornered in a round room?

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

11. What should one call a male ladybird?

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water?

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Things I've Learned

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
2. I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
3. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
4. I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
5. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
6. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
7. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Not Tonight

Amoeba: “Not tonight, dear – I’ve got a splitting headache.”

Moral Of The Story

A primary school class was asked to tell a story with a moral. Kathy went first, “Once we were driving a basket of hen eggs to market and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs broke. The moral is don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Tammy was next. “Once, we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched, we got only ten chicks. The moral is don’t count your chickens before they hatched.”

Then it was Johnny’s turn. When my Aunt Karen was in Desert Storm, her plane was hit. She bailed out over enemy territory with only a bottle of whisky and a machine gun.

“She drank the liquor on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and landed in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. She killed with the machine gun, and when she ran out of bullets, she killed 70 with the machine gun, and when she ran out of bullets, she killed the rest with her bare hands.”

“What is moral of that terrible story?” the teacher asked horrified.

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

Which Kind Of Doctor?

At the airport Pamela was anxiously waiting for her daughter. After finishing university, Laura had been gone a year, adventuring in faraway places. Pamela heart raced when she saw her child leaving the plane.

The she noticed a tall man directly behind Laura, dressed in feathers and beads, with exotic markings all over his body. Laura greeted her mother and introduced the man as her husband.

Pamela felt faint, then yelled, ‘I said you should marry a rich doctor!”

Expiry Date

Wife: Honey ... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was just looking for the expiration date...

Dating Etiquettes

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” she asked.

“Just a minute, I have to go piss.”

The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Sam, how would you say it?”

“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

Lawyers And Charity

A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity organization. The man from the charity is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

Perfect Wife

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in
bed... But the law allows only one wife...

Life Begins At 50!

Q. Where can a 50-year-old woman find a young man who will be interest in her?

A. Try a book store ... under fiction!

Q. What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

Q. How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?

A. Tell him you're pregnant!

Q. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?

A. Valets remember where they parked your car!

Knock Knock Alex

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex Plain later!

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

The Broken Doll

Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

Reading Of The Will

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

“Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”

Why God Made You

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Don't Want To Go To School

One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your
responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

Don't Touch Mom

A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"
Answer:"So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

Another Dumb Blonde Joke

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy!
Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten b***h," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked
scaring the kids!!"

Wife And A Sailor

A young wife, her husband and a good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there.”

“What’s the matter with you? Asked the husband after the sailor came back down. “we weren’t making love.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor, “from up there it looked like you were.”

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

“By golly, he’s right,” said the husband. “it does look like they’re making love down there.”

Bank Director Salary

Man: “I’m new round here. Could you please direct me to the nearest bank?”
Little boy: “Sure, but only if you pay me $10.”
Man: “Why should I pay you so much?”
Little boy: "Because bank directors are always highly paid.”

Man Can't Compete

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M. for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 A.M." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and confront his wife, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 A.M. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The Cure Is Better

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

For The Wife

Bob grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fourth time.
“Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for so many helpings?” asked his wife.
“Not a bit,” Horace replied, “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Checking The Character

To check the character of the prospective department head, the boss says: “Let’s assume you go to my house and ring the doorbell. My wife invites you in, but tells you that I won’t be home for another two hours. What would you do?”

The applicant hesitates, then asks, “Could you let me see a photo of your wife?”

Punishment For Bigamy

What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Something Light

A man walks into a library and asks if the librarian could recommend anything.

“Something light?” asks the librarian.

“That doesn’t matter,” says the man, “I have my car with me.”

In Or Out

Two removal men were struggling with a big crate in a doorway. They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted, but it wouldn’t move. Finally the fellow on the outside said, “we’d better give up – we’ll never get this crate in.”

“What do you mean get it in?” screeched the chap on the inside. I thought we were trying to get it out.

25 Years Ago

When I was married 25 years ago, I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.'

Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV,

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Poor Tipper

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favourite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three-cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his “generosity”, and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

“Well, what could you tell me about me?”, he asked.

“You put three pennies in a neat row,” said the waitress, and that shows you’re a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you’re frugal, and the second tells me you’re a bachelor.”

“That’s true,” he agreed. But what does the third penny tell you?’

“The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too.”

Earring To Wear

One day at the office, a man noticed that his very conservative co-worker was wearing an earring.

“I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff,” he said to his friend.

“It’s not a big deal,” the guy said. “It’s just a earring.”

“How long have you been wearing it?

“Since my wife found it in may car last week.”

How Was The Zoo?

Little Billy pestered his reluctant father into taking him to the zoo. “So how was it?” asked his mother when the two of them returned home.

“Great,” replied the boy. And Daddy liked it too, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to one.

Not Invited

A man sat at a bar showing his sorrows The barman notices the forlorn customer, so he strolls up and asks why he’s so glum. The man explains that he’s moving to Australia and his friends are throwing a big party. There’ll be singing and dancing all through the night. They’ve even arranged for a fireworks display.

“But why would that depress you?” asks the confused barman.

“Well, the man replies, “I haven’t been invited.”

Failing Maths

The ten year old boy was failing maths. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a catholic school. From his first day, the boy spent every night pouring over his books. When his first report card arrived, he had received an A in mathematics.

“Son” his father asked, what made the difference? The nuns? The textbooks?”

“I’d never taken maths seriously before,” the boy admitted, but when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!”

Fair Settlement

Divorce lawyer: I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that’s completely fair to both of you.”
Client: Fair to both of us! I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?”

Slow Food

A man at a fancy restaurant pointed to escargots on the menu and asked, “What’s that?”
“Don’t you know?” his wife replied.
“That’s French. They are snails.”
“How would I know?” said the husband.
“I usually eat fast food.”

Insurance Salesman

"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form
requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who
can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company.
"How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I could not swim," my cousin replied.

He got the job.

Hat Gone Missing

After discovering that he had lost his hat, a man decided the simplest way to replace was to go to church and steal one from the entry. Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. At the end of the service, he said to the minister, I want you to know that you saved me from crime. I came in here with sin in my heart. I was going to steal a hat. But after hearing your sermon, I changed my mind”.

“Fine” said the minister. But would you tell me what I said that changed your mind?”

“Well,” explained the man, “ when you got to the part about “Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my hat.”

Definition Of Pregnant

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to connect him. Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young student confidently, “means carrying a child.”

Men And Women

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just 'an old rag'.
6. Although their clothes are always 'just an old rag', they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do,they don't believe you.

A Will And A Lawyer

“I’d like to make a will,” said a man to his lawyer, but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

Don’t worry, Leave it to me.”

“Well,” answered the man, “I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I like to leave something to my children too.”

Health Is Better Than Wealth

When the wealthy gentlemen pass away, his entire family gathered for the reading of the will.

“To my wife, I leave all my money and my house,” the lawyer read. To my sons, I leave the new cars.

And to my brother-in-law who kept saying ‘health is better than wealth,’ I leave my exercise bicycle.

That Is What You Will Get

A man and his wife were in Paris for the first time. One night, the man was waiting for his wife outside their hotel, a lady of the night came along. She offered her services and said the price was $250. The man snorted. “Hell”, he protested, “I never pay more than $50 for any woman”, so the lady of the night went her way.

When the man’s wife joined her husband, they walked to a café, where they met the same lady of the night again. She looked the wife over, then turned to the man with a shrug. “You see,” she said, “that is what you get for fifty dollars”.

Letter To Ex-Husband

Dear Soon-to-be Ex-Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good..!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

____________________________________________________


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Bahamas. But alas, when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Raising Children

"Mommy has no idea how to raise children," said the child to his father.
"How can you say such a thing?" replied the father.
"Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am."

Moral Lesson

One morning, a mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, five-year old Daniel and three year-old Robert. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Seeing an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson, the mother said, If Jesus was sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Quick as a flash, Daniel turned to his younger brother and said, Robert, you can be Jesus."

Marriage Counselor's Help Needed

An upset couple entered the marriage counselor's office.

"What's bothering you this week?" asked the counselor.

"Well," answered the husband, "my wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda. And she wants to go with me!"

Wrong Girl

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming.

He gave her that ‘who-the-heck-are-you look’, and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

“Look,” she said, “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”

Then he got a little panicky.”I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father a child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild, crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”

“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.

“I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”

Now You Know

A Short Joke Today:

A man and his wife watched a televised boxing match that quickly ended in a knockout.

The husband groaned. "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"

His wife replied, "Now you know how I feel!"

Like Father Like Son

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

Not All Blondes Are Stupid

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.”

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50,” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Going Fishing

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” ..and she said, “Wear sun-block!

Italian Bread

Two old men, 83 and 90, were sitting on a park bench. The 90 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 83 year old asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 90 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

Soooo, on the way home, the 83 year old stopped at the bakery. “Do you have any Italian bread?” he asked.

“Yes, how many loaves would you like?” the clerk replied.

He answered, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “My goodness! Five loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’s going to be REALLY hard!”

He replied, “I cant believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me!”

The difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I love Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a gay.”

The Postman Cometh

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

Jack Or Jill?

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"

He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.

As Hard As It Gets

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."