An old man goes to the Wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse he has been living under for the last 40 years.
"Maybe," says the Wizard, "but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man say, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Monday, February 23, 2009
Three Envelopes
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Three Questions
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
Too Many Mistakes
A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
Meeting The Big Guy
A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Big Guy. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Big Guy would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"
As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"
Male Assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
King of the Jungle?
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Absent-minded Professor
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
A Dollar Is Worth More
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
Young Attorney
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
At The Pearly Gates
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
Friday, February 20, 2009
First Operation
"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
Death of a Salesman...
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning" said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away", said the old lady. "I haven't got any money. I'm broke", and she proceeded to closer the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door, and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away", said the old lady. "I haven't got any money. I'm broke", and she proceeded to closer the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door, and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Relevant Advice
George looked worried when the doctor asked if anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered George. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I can't remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what I was going to do once I get there -- if I get there! I need help. What should I do?"
The doctor replied in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance!"
"Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered George. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I can't remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what I was going to do once I get there -- if I get there! I need help. What should I do?"
The doctor replied in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance!"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tough Account
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
The Lawyer's Funeral
A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the only people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.
“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.
A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”
“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”
“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.
A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”
“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Redneck Etiquette Tips
Dating:
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Six Months To Live
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).
Some Benefits
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."
The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."
Monday, February 16, 2009
Weddings And Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.
"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.
"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.
"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Take It
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it," said the man.
"What's wrong?" asked the Rabbi.
"My wife is poisoning me," the man replied.
Very surprised by this, the Rabbi asks, "How can that be?"
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me," the pleads. "What should I do?"
"Tell you what," offers the Rabbi. "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Take the poison."
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it," said the man.
"What's wrong?" asked the Rabbi.
"My wife is poisoning me," the man replied.
Very surprised by this, the Rabbi asks, "How can that be?"
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me," the pleads. "What should I do?"
"Tell you what," offers the Rabbi. "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Take the poison."
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
They Are Just Kids...
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!
How To Be A Conductor
There is this guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Wrong Phone
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Saving Time
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
Saving Money
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
Slow Down
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks
Totally Opposite
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner.
One friend asked, "It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?"
The friend replied, "Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!"
One friend asked, "It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?"
The friend replied, "Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!"
Friday, February 13, 2009
What Me Worry
"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"
"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"
"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"
Not So Long Ago
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked,'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative,ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''
''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally The young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955' , he replied.
Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
'Negative,ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''
''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally The young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955' , he replied.
Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
Divine Intervention
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
Jumping Up and Down
A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman,
"Whats the matter?"
She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".
"Whats the matter?"
She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".
Marriage and Men
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
and lastly............
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
and lastly............
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Moth Man
A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.
"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"
"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on."
"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"
"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on."
Housework Challenged
One day a husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Auburn."
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Auburn."
Unfaithful Wife
A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Death Do Us Part
Three friends from the local congregation were asked by their Priest, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
And Igor said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
And Igor said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "
Vengeance Is Sweet
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said to his wife.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "What is it?"
"Six months after I die," said John, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," said his wife.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
"Give me one last request, dear," he said to his wife.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "What is it?"
"Six months after I die," said John, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," said his wife.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want
to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man
to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes
into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and
why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The
wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I dont have any money.
The cab driver asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". When I get to work I'm late so the boss
asks me, "So are we going to write this down in the book or
what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". Back home agian I take the cab and again
I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, "So are
you going to pay this time or what"?
"So again I take a 'or what'". So you see doc when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what"?
to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man
to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes
into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and
why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The
wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I dont have any money.
The cab driver asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". When I get to work I'm late so the boss
asks me, "So are we going to write this down in the book or
what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". Back home agian I take the cab and again
I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, "So are
you going to pay this time or what"?
"So again I take a 'or what'". So you see doc when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what"?
Good Bad Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Wrong Finger
Question: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Answer: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Answer: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Where's The Wife?
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving erratically all over the road.
A police officer pulls him over. "So," said the officer to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the driver.
"Well," said the officer, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did alright," said the driver, with a smile.
"Did you know," said the officer, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the inebriated driver. "For a minute there I thought I'd gone deaf."
A police officer pulls him over. "So," said the officer to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the driver.
"Well," said the officer, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did alright," said the driver, with a smile.
"Did you know," said the officer, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the inebriated driver. "For a minute there I thought I'd gone deaf."
Monday, February 9, 2009
Difficult To Find
''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''
First Contraceptive
The doctor was lecturing a class on sex. He asked, "Do you know what the first oral contraceptive was?"
A coed said, "No"
The doctor said, "Exactly!"
A coed said, "No"
The doctor said, "Exactly!"
Nothing Wrong With You
"Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas." The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas." The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Which Choice Is Better
For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn. During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper's daughter.
Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.
Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off. Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he asked.
"You know I would have have done the right thing. We could have been married. I would be a good provider."
"Well," she said.
"When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.
Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off. Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he asked.
"You know I would have have done the right thing. We could have been married. I would be a good provider."
"Well," she said.
"When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Questions For Men
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the folder to "instruction manuals"...
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the folder to "instruction manuals"...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Don't Come Back
Bill Gates, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Blonde Teacher
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
During recess, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You OK?" she asks.
"Yes," he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here," he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
And the boys says: "Because I'm the goalie!"
During recess, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You OK?" she asks.
"Yes," he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here," he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
And the boys says: "Because I'm the goalie!"
Things That Make You Go “Hmm….”
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
The Four Stages of Life
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
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