Top Sex Bumper Stickers

1. Legalize prostitution. Ugly people want to have sex, too!

2. Safe sex is in the palm of your hand.

3. Sex on TV is great ... until I fall off.

4. My other ride is your mom.

5. I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. Worst 15 minutes of my life.

6. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

7. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

8. I'm not perfect, but parts of me are incredible.

Lingerie Shopping

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City and told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?"
"A Baptist Bra," he repeated. "She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"
"It is all really quite simple," replied the sales lady. "The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, then asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

My Own Funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Waiting

"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"
"I'm waiting," said Jeb.
"Waiting for what, Jeb?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"

The Last Word

By definition, the woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after her is the beginning of a new argument!

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"

Drunk Driver

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment.....

-- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!

-- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.

-- Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.

-- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!

-- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.

-- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

Life Begins At 50 Q & A

Q1. Where can a 50-year-old woman find young sexy men who will be interested in her?
A1. Try a bookstore …under fiction!

Q2. What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A2. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

Q3. How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?
A3. Tell him you're pregnant!

Q4. How can I avoid seeing wrinkles when I pass a mirror?
A4. Take off your glasses!

Q5. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?
A5. Valets remember where they park your car.!

Q6. Do most 50-year-olds have problems with short term memory storage?
A6. Memory storage is no problem; the problem is memory retrieval!

Q7. Do 50-year-olds sleep more soundly?
A7. Yes; usually in the afternoon.

Q.8. What is the most common remark made by a 50-year-olds in an antique store?
A8. "I remember these!"

Extra Cash

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

Unlawful And Illegal

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.

"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.

"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Paradise Lost

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."

Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Frying Eggs

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling...

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife was very upset, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."