Daddy's Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Library Complaint

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Really Sick

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"

After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

Chopsticks

A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said, "Chopsticks were provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."

Sixth Sense

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"

Two Shepherds

Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first shepherd asked the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good. I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first one replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

Growing Older Is ...

• Your back goes out more than you do.
• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
• You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
• You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
• You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
• You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
• The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

Consultaton Fee

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

Door Signs

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Split Luggage

A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh.

At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam."

The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!"

"Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"

Pancake Breakfast

Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.

So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.

"But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!" said Mary in surprise.

"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them!"

Tech Support Story

Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Wrong Dog

A nervous postman on his first round walked up to a garden fence. There was a large Doberman lying on the grass. An old man was sitting on the patio.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the postman asked.

The old man replied, "No, he never has done."

So the opened the gate and went into the garden. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the old man dragged the dog off, the postman yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "He's not my dog!

Work Vs. Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

Give Her Another Chance

Once all the blond held a grand meeting to prove that the blonds are not stupid. They are also as smart as others. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blonds are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blond works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”


After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blonds start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, Uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened - the blonds starts crying and the 80,000 blonds begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance– What is 2 plus 2?”

The blond closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blonds jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

Perfect Sermon

A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"

Helping To Clean The Dishes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

Paying in Advance

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Factory Whistle

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

Devoted Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

Flying Dog

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

Float Alone

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

Investment Counselor

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Quiet In Church

A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young pupils about how they should behave in church.

"Now," she said, "who can tell me why you should be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in church?"

One little girl put up her hand. "Yes Jane, tell everyone why!" said the teacher.

Replied Jane, "Because people are trying to sleep!"

Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
• Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
• Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

Murphy On Work

• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for
• Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

Allleee Oop!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Repairing the Phone

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

Rocky Sequel

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

Wake Up for School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Golf With Bob

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?

Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?

Joe: No!

Mike: Neither will Bob.

Frankenstein's Ghost

Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck.

Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?"

The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker."

New Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Granny's Carpool

A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said,
"Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied.
"You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, however, the officer asked,
"Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

Literal Interpretation

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says,
"Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said 'why don't you burn the whole house down?' That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said,
"That isn't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said 'why don't you tear the whole car apart?' It took me all night."

The third guy said,
"You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said 'Cut that out!' I held out my hands. Ever seen one of these real close?"

Birthday Hint

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow.

When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice.

So I've bought her a packet of playing cards!

Who - What?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry.

She immediately said,
"Yes."

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!

"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh," she said.
"I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember to whom."

Pub Stakeout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Crossing The Road

Why did the Llama cross the road?

Because he was sick of the chicken doing it!

Wrong Bus

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"

The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Perfect Cure

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository; it's up to you."

Talking Cow

A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the bonnet beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away.

Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer.

"I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yes, that's old Mary."

The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Mary, she doesn't know anything about cars!"

Black Spots

"Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!" Billy exclaimed.

The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. "How about now?" he asked.

"Now I see the spots better," he replied.

Hand In Marriage

A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "You can take her with you!"

Lower Sex Drive

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the seventy-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped. "My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the seventy-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

Can't Sleep

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Deciding On Merit

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Wrong Part

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jack, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jack experienced. She continued, "Jack was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jack's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place"

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortable as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jack. She continued, "Now, Jack is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Jack and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum'."

Say What?

Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love- making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, "Oh, no! Get moving. That's my husband!"

The man leaped from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped.

"Waddaya mean?" he bellowed. "I AM your husband!"

A Colorful Reunion

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and was with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were related."

Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Terrible Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

Wrong Pain

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,' How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's broken.'

Training Courses Just For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game.

5. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

6. Introduction to Parking.

7. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

8. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

9. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.

10. PMS: Your Problem ... Not His.

Kiss Me There

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go!"

Ladies Man

The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress.

"So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned.

"Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."

Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage

Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

Vocal Monk

A young man joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Every day he worked hard in the fields and never said a word.

After ten years, the Abbot summoned him. "Brother, it is ten years since your vow of silence. On this special day, you may speak. Do you have anything to say?"

He said, "The food is terrible!"

Ten years later, he was again summoned to the Abbot's office. "Brother, it is now twenty years since you joined us. Again, on this special day you may speak."

The monk said, "The bed is too hard", and walked out.

Ten years later he was again called to see the Abbot. "It has been thirty years since you took your vow of silence, brother. Is there anything you would like to say?"

Said the monk, "I'm resigning."

The Abbot replied, "Yes, I'm not surprised. You haven't done anything but complain since you got here!"

We Are Drinking

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba,

said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and

stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When

they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

The Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

Long Marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Mean Dog

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

On The House

'As good as this is,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.”

'Well, Angus,' said the Englishman, 'At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhh, dat's nothin',' said the Newfie. 'Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, still suspicious. 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not meself, personally, no,' admitted the Newf. 'But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

Math Quiz

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"

Student: "It's 42!"

Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"

Same student: "It's 24!"

Foolish Marriage

After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Happy And Sad At Same Time

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to her and said, ' Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.'

She said 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends'.'

I Know Why You Divorce

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Fishing Trip

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing

for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing

equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

New Financial Terms

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share!

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Doing Very Well

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,'You're doing well ... only two left!'