Don't Touch Mom

A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"
Answer:"So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

Another Dumb Blonde Joke

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy!
Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten b***h," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked
scaring the kids!!"

Wife And A Sailor

A young wife, her husband and a good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there.”

“What’s the matter with you? Asked the husband after the sailor came back down. “we weren’t making love.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor, “from up there it looked like you were.”

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

“By golly, he’s right,” said the husband. “it does look like they’re making love down there.”

Bank Director Salary

Man: “I’m new round here. Could you please direct me to the nearest bank?”
Little boy: “Sure, but only if you pay me $10.”
Man: “Why should I pay you so much?”
Little boy: "Because bank directors are always highly paid.”

Man Can't Compete

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M. for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 A.M." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and confront his wife, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 A.M. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The Cure Is Better

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

For The Wife

Bob grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fourth time.
“Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for so many helpings?” asked his wife.
“Not a bit,” Horace replied, “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Checking The Character

To check the character of the prospective department head, the boss says: “Let’s assume you go to my house and ring the doorbell. My wife invites you in, but tells you that I won’t be home for another two hours. What would you do?”

The applicant hesitates, then asks, “Could you let me see a photo of your wife?”

Punishment For Bigamy

What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Something Light

A man walks into a library and asks if the librarian could recommend anything.

“Something light?” asks the librarian.

“That doesn’t matter,” says the man, “I have my car with me.”

In Or Out

Two removal men were struggling with a big crate in a doorway. They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted, but it wouldn’t move. Finally the fellow on the outside said, “we’d better give up – we’ll never get this crate in.”

“What do you mean get it in?” screeched the chap on the inside. I thought we were trying to get it out.

25 Years Ago

When I was married 25 years ago, I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.'

Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV,

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Poor Tipper

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favourite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three-cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his “generosity”, and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

“Well, what could you tell me about me?”, he asked.

“You put three pennies in a neat row,” said the waitress, and that shows you’re a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you’re frugal, and the second tells me you’re a bachelor.”

“That’s true,” he agreed. But what does the third penny tell you?’

“The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too.”

Earring To Wear

One day at the office, a man noticed that his very conservative co-worker was wearing an earring.

“I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff,” he said to his friend.

“It’s not a big deal,” the guy said. “It’s just a earring.”

“How long have you been wearing it?

“Since my wife found it in may car last week.”

How Was The Zoo?

Little Billy pestered his reluctant father into taking him to the zoo. “So how was it?” asked his mother when the two of them returned home.

“Great,” replied the boy. And Daddy liked it too, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to one.

Not Invited

A man sat at a bar showing his sorrows The barman notices the forlorn customer, so he strolls up and asks why he’s so glum. The man explains that he’s moving to Australia and his friends are throwing a big party. There’ll be singing and dancing all through the night. They’ve even arranged for a fireworks display.

“But why would that depress you?” asks the confused barman.

“Well, the man replies, “I haven’t been invited.”

Failing Maths

The ten year old boy was failing maths. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a catholic school. From his first day, the boy spent every night pouring over his books. When his first report card arrived, he had received an A in mathematics.

“Son” his father asked, what made the difference? The nuns? The textbooks?”

“I’d never taken maths seriously before,” the boy admitted, but when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!”

Fair Settlement

Divorce lawyer: I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that’s completely fair to both of you.”
Client: Fair to both of us! I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?”

Slow Food

A man at a fancy restaurant pointed to escargots on the menu and asked, “What’s that?”
“Don’t you know?” his wife replied.
“That’s French. They are snails.”
“How would I know?” said the husband.
“I usually eat fast food.”

Insurance Salesman

"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form
requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who
can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company.
"How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I could not swim," my cousin replied.

He got the job.

Hat Gone Missing

After discovering that he had lost his hat, a man decided the simplest way to replace was to go to church and steal one from the entry. Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. At the end of the service, he said to the minister, I want you to know that you saved me from crime. I came in here with sin in my heart. I was going to steal a hat. But after hearing your sermon, I changed my mind”.

“Fine” said the minister. But would you tell me what I said that changed your mind?”

“Well,” explained the man, “ when you got to the part about “Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my hat.”

Definition Of Pregnant

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to connect him. Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young student confidently, “means carrying a child.”

Men And Women

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just 'an old rag'.
6. Although their clothes are always 'just an old rag', they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do,they don't believe you.

A Will And A Lawyer

“I’d like to make a will,” said a man to his lawyer, but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

Don’t worry, Leave it to me.”

“Well,” answered the man, “I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I like to leave something to my children too.”

Health Is Better Than Wealth

When the wealthy gentlemen pass away, his entire family gathered for the reading of the will.

“To my wife, I leave all my money and my house,” the lawyer read. To my sons, I leave the new cars.

And to my brother-in-law who kept saying ‘health is better than wealth,’ I leave my exercise bicycle.

That Is What You Will Get

A man and his wife were in Paris for the first time. One night, the man was waiting for his wife outside their hotel, a lady of the night came along. She offered her services and said the price was $250. The man snorted. “Hell”, he protested, “I never pay more than $50 for any woman”, so the lady of the night went her way.

When the man’s wife joined her husband, they walked to a café, where they met the same lady of the night again. She looked the wife over, then turned to the man with a shrug. “You see,” she said, “that is what you get for fifty dollars”.

Letter To Ex-Husband

Dear Soon-to-be Ex-Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good..!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

____________________________________________________


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Bahamas. But alas, when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Raising Children

"Mommy has no idea how to raise children," said the child to his father.
"How can you say such a thing?" replied the father.
"Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am."

Moral Lesson

One morning, a mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, five-year old Daniel and three year-old Robert. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Seeing an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson, the mother said, If Jesus was sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Quick as a flash, Daniel turned to his younger brother and said, Robert, you can be Jesus."

Marriage Counselor's Help Needed

An upset couple entered the marriage counselor's office.

"What's bothering you this week?" asked the counselor.

"Well," answered the husband, "my wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda. And she wants to go with me!"

Wrong Girl

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming.

He gave her that ‘who-the-heck-are-you look’, and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

“Look,” she said, “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”

Then he got a little panicky.”I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father a child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild, crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”

“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.

“I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”

Now You Know

A Short Joke Today:

A man and his wife watched a televised boxing match that quickly ended in a knockout.

The husband groaned. "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"

His wife replied, "Now you know how I feel!"

Like Father Like Son

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

Not All Blondes Are Stupid

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.”

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50,” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Going Fishing

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” ..and she said, “Wear sun-block!

Italian Bread

Two old men, 83 and 90, were sitting on a park bench. The 90 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 83 year old asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 90 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

Soooo, on the way home, the 83 year old stopped at the bakery. “Do you have any Italian bread?” he asked.

“Yes, how many loaves would you like?” the clerk replied.

He answered, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “My goodness! Five loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’s going to be REALLY hard!”

He replied, “I cant believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me!”

The difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I love Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a gay.”

The Postman Cometh

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

Jack Or Jill?

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"

He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.

As Hard As It Gets

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."