Not An Enemy In The World

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."
    

Where Were You Last Night

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

Using The Right Line

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. 

I had grabbed a woman's card when I called a cab to take me from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call." 

"Hello?" the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.

"Hi," I began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream - anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she said, "but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Being Brave

A couple walked into a dentist's office. 

The man told the dentist, "Can you pull a tooth quickly? I'm really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic to take effect." 

The dentist thought, "This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic." 

The dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" 

The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him your tooth!" 

Asking For A Raise

An employee sent her boss an email asking for a raise:

"Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, you $hould under$tand of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given you $o much $upport. I'm $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
$incerely your$,
$u$ie."

Her boss immediately hit Reply and typed:

"Dear Susie:
I kNOw you work very hard, but you must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well NOw the papers say the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if we're headed for aNOther recession. And, after the NOvember elections, things may turn worse.. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
NOrm"

A Test For Monks

The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptation.

He called three of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their penis.

After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl.

"Gling Gling", went the bell, and the head of the monastery was furious: "You call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!".

He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie.

"Gling Gling", went the bell.

"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!".

Almost in complete dispair, he went to the third guy and showed him a cover of a porn magazine. There was silent.

"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him.

"Gling Gling", went the bell.

Doctor's Advice

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

Old Girlfriend

A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’re past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in her hand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and she’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’t have???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”

An Important Phone Call

A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, “Eight hundred thousand dollars? You’re kidding me. You’re going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don’t waste my time with anything less.”

Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”

“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

Pregnant At The Doctor

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked

that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."