Jesus Was Jewish

Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?

A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

Revenge Is Sweet

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The waiting room erupted in applause!

What The Bible Stands For

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied,

"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy

replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

Two Kinds Of People

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Airport Customs

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.
"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.
The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

The Missionary

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."

The Pickle Packer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired, too."

I Know What You Did

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. “I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.

Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" “You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.

They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, “Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you've been doing..."

A Hot Day

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here."

Saving Up for 60 Years

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"