Settle Out Of Court

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at

a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.

Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the

seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts

banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there

with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!

"

The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"

The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,

"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"

Size Matters

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,

"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your

body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera

and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your

picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she

says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see

your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

Sleeping With The Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and

ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the

drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and

found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second

triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the

house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked

him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight

in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her

stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your

friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the

eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"

She Was Soooooo Blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

I'm Just Here For ...

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.

The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.

Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater.

He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.

The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen.... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.

Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"

Egg And Boiling Water

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

Alcohol Is Bad For Legs

A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."

He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

She said, "No, they open!"

Speaking Of Love

A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"

Heart Of A 15 Year Old

Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old."

Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex!"

Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then... maybe."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office.

His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name?"

"Uh ... Doc, just make it, 'To Whom It May Concern'."

The Secret To A Long Marriage

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: "Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"
"I just go and clean the toilet," his wife replied.
"How does that help?" asked her husband.
"I use your toothbrush."