The Catalogue

Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
Paddy says to Mick, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
"Yes," Mick replies, "they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Paddy says with wide eyes, "Wow! They aren't very expensive! At this price, I'm buying one."
Mike smiles and pats him on the back.
"Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one, too."
Three weeks later, Mick asks Paddy, " Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?"
"Not yet," says Paddy, "but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday."

Real Men Eat Quickies

A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.

"What would you like, sir?" she asks.

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."

She walks away in disgust.

After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."

Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.

At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

A Texan In An Irish Pub

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Hot Day

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

Car Chase

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Amish And An Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13.. ..13"

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14....14... .14"...

Dumb Footballer

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Computer Help Desk Log

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password is?"
Customer: "Five stars."

Helpdesk: "What antivirus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Helpdesk: "That's not an antivirus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer."

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"
Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."
Helpdesk: "OK, and, what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a', but how do I get the circle around it?"

On An Airline

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.

It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

Tell Policeman A Joke

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's okay. I'll tell it really slow!"

Being Superstitious

Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

Click Here For Another Joke

How To Be A Conductor

There is this guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

Wrong Phone

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Things I Hate About People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time ... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the t.v. remote because they refuse to walk to the t.v. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it, too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

6. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

Library Complaint

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Door Signs

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."