A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.
"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
How Gloves Are Made
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Click Here For Another Joke
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Click Here For Another Joke
Being Superstitious
Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Click Here For Another Joke
The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Click Here For Another Joke
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
20 Things A Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Click Here For Another Joke
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Click Here For Another Joke
Stolen Car
A blonde borrowed her husband's car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.
'What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.
'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.
For More Blonde Jokes Click Here
'What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.
'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.
For More Blonde Jokes Click Here
Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
7. Foursomes are encouraged.
6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And best of all................
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
7. Foursomes are encouraged.
6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And best of all................
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
Monday, May 11, 2009
40 Things You Would Like To Say At Work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Place To Vomit
A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"
"No." her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," replied the little girl.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"
"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"
"No." her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," replied the little girl.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"
Easier To Argue
A man called his banker to check on his account.
"Your finances are in terrible shape," said the banker. "Your checking account is overdrawn and your loan is overdue."
"Yeah, I know," said the man. "It's my wife. She's out of control."
"Well, why do you let her spend more than you have?" asked the banker.
"Frankly," sighed the man, "because it's easier to argue with you than her!"
"Your finances are in terrible shape," said the banker. "Your checking account is overdrawn and your loan is overdue."
"Yeah, I know," said the man. "It's my wife. She's out of control."
"Well, why do you let her spend more than you have?" asked the banker.
"Frankly," sighed the man, "because it's easier to argue with you than her!"
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Funny Bumper Stickers
- Heart attacks ... God's revenge for eating His little animal friends.
- If you can read this ... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
- Hang up and drive!
- Some people just don't know how to drive ... I call these people "Everybody But Me".
- Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you're an ass!"
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